This Is How People in Miami Celebrate Dolphins’ Wins

MIAMI (AP) — Authorities say a South Florida man showed up at a Miami-Dade police station with his dead girlfriend in his car.

Police say 30-year-old Juan Carlos Portieles was charged Monday with second-degree murder in the death of 18-year-old Jaclyn Elisse Torrealba.

Portieles, also known as DJ Seasunz, was being held without bail.

Well sir, you may have a rough road ahead of you fighting these charges.  Especially after confessing to killing your girlfriend and showing up with the body to prove it.  However, this is America, and there is such a thing as due process, so the trial will probably take somewhere between eight and ten weeks and eat up about $100,000 of taxpayer money.  I can’t help but think that I would have done things a bit differently.

Honestly though, what do you really expect when this thirty-year old stud is also known as “DJ Seasunz.”  I guarantee that this guy was wearing a graphic tee with some skull with wings and fire on it with a word like “sacrifice” or “savagery” scrawled across his collarbone.  On top of that, I thought we were past the whole “I don’t adhere to your normal conventions about spelling correctly because I am a DJ” phase.  Honestly, it’s just getting lazy at this point.  Find a word and replace all of the “o”s with “u”s and replace all of the “s”s with “z”s.  Yeah, real creative Juan Carlos.  Or, should I say, Juan Carluz?

Why is it that every dude in Miami’s name is “Juan Carlos,” is a DJ, and wears graphic tees?  Oh yeah, cocaine.  Cocaine was the correct answer.